


To Be in Silence

by IStay77



Category: The Young and the Restless
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Messa - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Teriah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 16:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18102155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IStay77/pseuds/IStay77
Summary: Takes place after Tessa testifies, but before she is arrested. Tessa is struggling with her self-worth and the voices of her past. A worried Mariah tries to help.





	To Be in Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: this story has themes of PTSD along with physical and emotional abuse.

_Why are you wasting your time with this crap? You’ll never amount to anything._

Tessa stared at her guitar, her father’s words echoing in her head. She hasn’t played in so long, although she’ll never forget how. Forgetting how to play isn’t something she worries about. Still, there was something she was missing. There was something she had forgotten. Tessa wasn’t entirely sure why she dragged the instrument out in the first place, but looking at it now did nothing but cause her pain.

Angry, she closed the lid on the guitar case and stood up from the couch. What was once practically an appendage was now so foreign to Tessa she couldn’t stand to even look at it. Pacing the small apartment briefly, Tessa ran hands through her hair as her mind continued to conjure up the voice of her father.

_You’re not good enough. You’re a complete disappointment. You should be out on the streets earning and helping your family._

Stopping and looking down at the guitar case on the floor by the couch, Tessa made up her mind. Grabbing her coat, keys, and that damned instrument, she left the apartment.

 

******

 

Mariah arrived home a little later than she had planned. She was surprised Tessa wasn’t there. She knew the other woman had been trying to find temporary work until the restaurant opens, but with the trial going on everything had taken a backseat.

Shooting off a text to Tessa, Mariah went to the kitchen to open a bottle of wine and look at their impressive collection of takeout menus. She just wanted to get dinner, put her feet up, and distract her girlfriend from real life for a bit. She wanted to do something normal to keep Tessa’s mind off of the unknown. As she uncorked the bottle, Mariah noticed a used wine glass on the counter. She knew it hadn’t been there when she left this morning. Looking around the kitchen, she spotted an empty wine bottle in the recycling bin next to the trash. That hadn’t been there this morning either.

Mariah had been ignoring this particular red flag for a little while now. She knew Tessa had been drinking a bit more than usual, but day drinking alone in their cramped apartment felt like an escalation of that behavior. Day drinking an entire bottle of wine alone in their cramped apartment felt like something she needed to talk to her girlfriend about.

There was always something secret about Tessa. It’s been that way since the day she met the musician. Tessa had opened up to her a little in the beginning and has been even more open about things recently. She knew about her abusive, drug-dealing dad and her drug-addicted mother. She knew about the gangs and the hustle. She knew the facts, but Tessa still kept the emotions close to the vest. Recently though, she could tell that Tessa was struggling. Watching it happen has been an exercise in heartbreak for Mariah.

Tessa has always been very good at compartmentalizing. It was a necessity growing up, but now it’s a bad habit that she just can’t break. Her past trauma has never really been dealt with. Mariah knows this. She also knows a number of things have happened in just the past six months that were triggering events for Tessa. The kidnapping, for one, being the most traumatic. Testifying against Nikki, Victoria, and Sharon was high on the list, too. Now that the truth about the blackmail was out there, Mariah was terrified that Tessa was spiraling.

Sitting down on the couch with her glass of wine, Mariah checked her phone. Still nothing from Tessa, so she decided to call her. She waited the five rings it took to go to voicemail and sighed.

“Hey, it’s me,” she said into the phone. “Just wondering where you are.” Mariah paused and took a breath, working out what to say next. “I love you, just come home, okay?”

 

******

 

Tessa looked down at her phone and saw Mariah was calling, but couldn’t bring herself to answer. She sat in her car outside of the strip mall where the thrift store was located. She had walked in with her guitar, but left without it. Tessa had been expecting to feel something when she handed the instrument over, but she was wrong. Giving her guitar away didn’t gut her the way she was thinking it would. All she could think was that she hadn’t gone far enough, that she needed to be punished more.

These thoughts weren’t new to Tessa. She has been struggling with them all of her life. Their sharp familiarity was oddly comforting. Growing up as she did, Tessa’s only reprieve from reality was to dream about the things she could do and be once she escaped her father’s house. But now, out of his house, she’s made a mess and squandered every single opportunity she’s had to make her dreams come true.

_You’re worthless. You’ll never be anything other than worthless._

She couldn’t answer Mariah’s call because she’d never be able to hide the despair from her voice. Mariah would hear it and make her talk about it. God bless her, but Tessa wasn’t sure she could handle that. Mariah was sure to see her as the failure she was this time. She failed at being a con and she’s failed at the straight and narrow. She’s a complete failure.

The only thing going for Tessa, as far as she’s concerned, is Mariah. Mariah, who loves her in spite of everything she’s done. Mariah, who chose her even after everything. Mariah, who’s probably waiting at home for her right now.

_Look at you! You’re weak._

Tessa shut her eyes, her head falling back against the seat.

_You’re unlovable. Who would want you?_

Raising her head, Tessa looked into her rearview mirror and blinked. She saw her father’s reflection and, in a panic, whipped her head around to make sure no one was in the back seat. Finding it empty, Tessa took a deep breath.

_You’re nothing but a cheap whore. That’s all you’ll ever be. You may as well make them pay you for it instead of giving it away for free._

“Stop!” Tessa cried, hands coming up to cover her ears.

_You think you’re too good for this place? You’ll never make it out there because no one wants to help a lying whore from the South Side._

“Please,” Tessa pleaded, but the voice of her father was still in her head.

_Mariah is better off without you. Everyone is better off without you._

“No, that’s not true,” She shouted into the empty car. Tessa was sobbing now, hands still covering her ears.

_You’re a terrible person. You have evil inside you. No one loves you._

“You’re right. I’m evil,” Tessa whispered into the car, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I don’t deserve Mariah. I only deserve pain.”

Her phone’s ringtone interrupted her dark thoughts. Looking down at the phone in her lap, Tessa saw it was Mariah again.

“I’m so sorry, Mariah,” she said into the emptiness of the car as she put the phone down in the passenger’s seat. “I just can’t.”

Starting the car, Tessa pulled out of her parking spot. She had no idea where she was going.

 

******

 

Mariah was already getting nervous before making her second phone call to Tessa. When it went to voicemail again, she decided she couldn’t ignore her gut. She had an uneasy feeling. It started when Sharon got arrested for murder, but it’s been amped up considerably since she saw her girlfriend testify. Tessa’s recent distance, increased drinking, and now disappearing act were all making Mariah incredibly concerned.

Clenching her jaw, Mariah opened the tracking app on her phone, the same one that helped her find Tessa the night of the kidnapping. Typing in her password, she waited for the information to load. Finally, she saw the dot representing Tessa’s phone. It was moving. Assuming the musician was in her car, Mariah could see she was travelling away from the apartment. She felt her heart leap into her throat and quickly jumped up from the couch. Grabbing her coat and purse, the redhead left the apartment.

 

******

 

Mariah hadn’t been driving long before she noticed on the app that the dot representing Tessa had stopped moving. Taking her eyes off the road briefly, Mariah’s heart started beating faster when she realized where Tessa had stopped. She recognized it right away. It had been hard to forget. She had no idea why Tessa would go there, but it couldn’t be good.

“Come on baby,” she whispered as her hands tightened on the steering wheel. “I’m almost there. Just please be okay.”

 

******

 

Tessa put her car in park and shut off the engine. Turning off the headlights, she found herself in complete darkness, the glow of the moon outside the only light. Closing her eyes, she let her head fall back to the head rest. Her face was tear-stained, but she knew she had more tears in her. Opening her eyes, Tessa looked out the windshield of the car into the darkness, the shape of trees visible in the moonlight.

_Tessa, this is what you do._

Nikki’s voice was so clear in her mind.

_You destroy. You lie._

The despair in the pit of her stomach as she heard those words was just as real now as it had been when she’d first heard them the last time she was here.

_You take the truth and you grind it into the dirt._

Head falling into her hands, Tessa sobbed. It was true. Everything they said about her that night was true.

_You blackmailed the woman who gave you a home and a job. You blackmailed Mariah’s own mother._

God, she’s an awful person. Mariah really shouldn’t have forgiven her. Her father was right. She’s worthless. No one will ever love her. It’s only a matter of time before Mariah leaves her.

_I wanted to tell you that I can’t do this anymore._

There were so many different voices in Tessa’s head now; each one with painful truths.

_No one is about to accept the word of an admitted thief, liar, and blackmailer._

Tessa saw their angry faces in her mind and again squeezed her eyes shut. That’s what everyone thinks of her. Michael was right when he grilled her on the stand. Now everyone knows the truth.

_You got exactly what you deserve, Tessa._

She should run. Yes, she should run and leave all of this behind. Start over some place new. Mariah is too nice to say it, but she’s only with her out of obligation at this point. Tessa was certain of it. She needs to leave so Mariah can move on to better things, so Mariah can be free.

Head in her hands, her sobs were so loud inside of the car that Tessa didn’t hear the other car pull up next to hers. She didn’t see the headlights illuminate the woods in front of her and she didn’t hear the footsteps approaching her car until there was a gentle knock at the driver’s side window. Startled, Tessa leaned towards the center console as her hands fell from her face and she found herself staring, wide-eyed, into the concerned face of her girlfriend.

Mariah had followed the GPS directions right to the spot where she had found Tessa freezing and alone the night of the kidnapping. In a million years, she never thought she’d find Tessa here again. Maybe she hadn’t been paying close enough attention to the signs. Tessa has clearly been struggling for some time, but to return to the spot where she was kidnapped and terrorized made no sense unless she was trying to punish herself which, Mariah realized now, was exactly what was happening.

Mariah motioned to Tessa that she was going to come around to the passenger’s side of the car and waited for the other woman’s sad nod before walking around. Tessa unlocked the door and Mariah quickly got in.

“Are you okay?” she asked, even though it was clear that Tessa was not okay. While waiting for a response, Mariah reached over to take her hand, hoping the contact would give Tessa something solid and real to anchor herself.

_It comes down to us versus you._

Tessa knew Mariah had asked her a question, but Nikki’s voice in her head was louder.

_They wanna kill me. You do don’t you? That’s why we’re out here._

The memory of that night haunted Tessa like nothing else ever has. Yes, she could still hear her father’s voice calling her useless and worthless. She had always believed him to an extent, but even his words never haunted her as much. She knew she had done bad things, but her reasons for doing them had always been more complicated than just being a bad person. At the end of the day, everything she’s ever done was for Crystal. Her sister’s safety and security had always been more important to her than what other people thought of her.

Mariah was the first person who got her to see herself in a more flattering light. But, that light went dark the night of the kidnapping. The way Nikki, Victoria, and Sharon treated her, looked at her, the things they said to her, it was all true. Her truth came crashing down on her that night and she was still trying to dig herself out from under it all.

Mariah had been waiting for Tessa to speak, but she was clearly lost in her own head. She watched as Tessa’s face crumbled and saw her struggling to hold back tears, the evidence of her failure staining her cheeks. Squeezing Tessa’s hand gently, Mariah turned so she was sitting sideways in the seat, completely facing the other woman.

“Tessa, look at me,” Mariah gently pleaded.

Unable to deny her anything, Tessa looked over at Mariah, tilting her head and sadly smiling as she did so. Mariah’s entire chest felt tight when she saw the sadness in Tessa’s eyes. It was deep and profound. She couldn’t stop herself from reaching forward with her other hand, placing it against Tessa’s cheek and gently brushing at a tear with her thumb.

They sat in silence for several seconds. Holding eye contact, Mariah eventually brought up her other hand to Tessa’s face, holding it gently before bringing their foreheads together. She used the contact to try to calm Tessa, to get her to breathe with her. When she saw it was having the desired effect, Mariah brought their lips together for a brief kiss before pulling back to look into dark eyes.

“Let’s go home,” the redhead softly said. She knew they needed to talk, but felt it was more important to get Tessa away from this place first. Tessa agreed to drive back in Mariah’s car, leaving hers in the woods overnight. They would pick it up in the morning.

The voices in Tessa’s head were quiet on the ride home. She almost missed them. Now the only things she could hear were her own thoughts. Mariah was being amazingly patient with her. She held her hand across the center console and occasionally gave it a gentle squeeze, but made no demands on Tessa to talk and fill the silence.

Maybe everything was going to be alright, Tessa thought to herself. Mariah loved her, right? This wasn’t pity or obligation, was it? Mariah had plenty of chances to walk away, but she didn’t. She says she wants to be with her and she wouldn’t lie, right? Not about that. No, this is good. There’s still a chance she didn’t mess everything up.

When they got home, Mariah let Tessa enter the apartment first before locking the door behind them. Turning, she was about to ask if Tessa was hungry when the musician launched herself into her arms. Mariah was startled, but quickly wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, hand coming up to hold the head that was pressed into her shoulder. She could feel the tremble in Tessa’s tall frame. Mariah didn’t say anything, she just held onto Tessa as tightly as Tessa was holding onto her.

“I’m sorry,” Tessa whispered into Mariah’s shoulder.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Mariah assured her. She pulled back to look at Tessa’s face, framing it with her hands. The sadness there was heartbreaking. “I am in this with you,” Mariah told her. “It’s you and me versus the world, kid,” she smirked. Tessa smiled sadly and looked down at the floor. She closed her eyes as Mariah’s hand gently lifted her chin before opening them and staring into the redhead’s own eyes. “Hey, you’re not alone, okay?”

“I know,” Tessa replied. She wasn’t sure if it was a lie or not. Pulling back, Tessa began taking off her jacket. Mariah followed suit, hanging both jackets up before joining Tessa on the couch.

“Are you hungry?” Mariah asked. Tessa shook her head as she looked down at her hands.

“Can you talk to me about what’s going on? You’re scaring me a little. Okay, a lot,” Mariah admitted.

“I’m sorry,” Tessa began, her face showing the shame she felt. Mariah reached for her hands.

“You don’t have to be,” she said. “I want to help you, Tessa, but I need you to talk to me. I can tell when you’re stuck in your own head. You’ve been spiraling for months, but it’s only getting worse and it’s breaking my heart.” Mariah paused to compose herself, catching a tear before it fell from her eye. Tessa saw it and her eyes immediately met Mariah’s.

_I might have had my secrets, but I never lied about my feelings for you. My love never wavered. I don’t think you can say the same._

“Why do you love me?” Tessa asked.

“Because you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Mariah immediately replied, not an ounce of doubt in her voice. “I love you because you fill my world with love and joy and no one has ever done that for me before. I love you because I have no choice. It’s the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done and I wouldn’t change it for anything.”

“I just,” Tessa took her hands back and put them on her face, rubbing at her eyes and temple. “I can’t stop hearing these voices in my head. They’re saying these awful things and I…I don’t want to listen,” her hands covered her ears briefly before combing through her hair and coming back to rest in her lap. “It’s just hard not to hear it and believe it.”

“Stop,” Mariah leaned forward, taking the other woman’s hands again. “Whatever those voices are telling you, they are WRONG.” Her eyes pleaded with Tessa.

“No, they’re not wrong,” Tessa insisted, standing and pacing. “They’re things people have already said to me about the things I’ve done. They’re not wrong about me.”

Mariah swallowed around the lump in her throat, briefly flashing back to that night in November when she herself said awful things to Tessa in this very apartment.

_You felt nothing. Like a robot mimicking human emotion._

“No,” she said, standing. “No, the things you’ve done are not who you are. You’re proving that now, Tessa, by having regret and remorse. But, you don’t have to keep doing this to yourself.”

Standing in front of Tessa, Mariah gave her a pleading look. She wanted to reach out, but waited to see if Tessa would respond first, which she did.

“You know, I never really even thought about what Victoria went through until now,” she said. Her face went expressionless as she spoke, eyes seemingly blank as though she were retelling an old story from memory. “She was abused. Battered. Afraid for her life. All of the things I’ve been.” Tessa’s brow creased as she put the pieces together. “So I only added to her torment with the blackmail, which makes me exactly what everyone already thinks I am,” eyes flicking back to Mariah. “Evil.”

“No,” Mariah took two steps to bring them face to face. She cupped Tessa’s face with her hands. “You are not evil, Tessa, you’re not.” She tried to hold eye contact as Tessa released a sob and looked down.

“Hey, look at me,” Mariah said, smiling through her tears. “You are incredible. I’ve seen your heart and it’s full of love and kindness. You became the person you needed to be in order to survive, but you are not that person on the inside. Your soul is,” she paused, making sure Tessa was truly listening. “It’s absolutely breathtaking and it spoke to mine the moment I met you. So no, Tessa, you are not evil. You are incredible. And I love everything that makes you that way.”

Looking into Mariah’s eyes, Tessa couldn’t help the flutter of hope that was rising in her chest. She believed her. Mariah wouldn’t lie like this. Not to her face like this. Not like before. This was completely different. Even through her own lens of doubt, Tessa could see that this was completely different.

Mariah could feel some of the tension leaving Tessa’s body, her eyes softening, accepting. “Mariah,” Tessa whispered affectionately, her body moving gently forward into the redhead’s space.  “You’re right,” she said, choking on a sob. “I need help.”

 

******

 

Mariah and Tessa were stretched out on top of the covers of their bed, on their sides, facing each other. Tessa had told the other woman some of what’s been going on in her head, although some of her thoughts she couldn’t quite voice yet. Opening up like this went against every instinct Tessa had, but Mariah knew that and made it a little easier for her to do so.

“I know you’re not telling me everything,” Mariah said. She reached out to brush Tessa’s hair behind her ear. “And, that’s okay. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

“You are actually making it easier than I thought it would be,” Tessa admitted. “I’m still terrified you’re going to realize what a mistake you’re making and leave.”

“Not gonna happen,” Mariah declared, squeezing Tessa’s hand as it rested between them. “Tessa I know you get lost in your own head a lot, but when that happens I want you to remember this. You are the most important person in my life. I love you. I need you. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you. You are worthy of love and forgiveness.”

“I want to believe you,” Tessa whispered, eyes haunted and sad. “I do. You’re the first person who’s ever given me hope.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Tessa,” Mariah stressed again, bringing her girlfriend’s hand to her lips. “And lucky for you, I am super patient. So, I can keep reminding you as many times as it takes, as many times as you need to hear it.”

Tessa looked down at their joined hands as Mariah squeezed hers and lovingly ran a thumb over her knuckles. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, another tear escaping and rolling onto the pillow. “Okay,” she said softly.

“Okay?” Mariah questioned, trying to hold eye contact.

“It’s going to take a while I think, to really believe you. I mean, I believe that you believe it. Does that make sense?”

“Completely,” Mariah smiled. “When your thoughts get to be too much, please talk to me. I promise you that I will never not want to hear it.”

Tessa nodded, holding Mariah’s hand between both of her own now, grounding herself. Mariah studied her face for a moment. She knew none of this was going to be easy, but today was a step in the right direction.

“I know this has been a lot for you, but I do have one more question,” Mariah’s eyes were soft and warm. The immediate anxiety that her words caused in Tessa disappeared pretty quickly. She nodded, ready to bare what was left of her soul.

“Where is your guitar?” Mariah asked. When she was home earlier she noticed it was missing.

Tessa wasn’t expecting that to be the question and immediately felt shame over what she had done with the instrument. Tucking her chin, she averted her eyes and then squeezed them shut when her own voice echoed in her head.

_I’m damaged. I don’t deserve you. I’ll never be good enough for you._

“Stop,” Mariah said, gently lifting Tessa’s chin so they were looking at each other again. “You are worthy of love and forgiveness, Tessa. Don’t let the voices win.”

“I um,” Tessa paused, forehead creasing as she looked at Mariah. “I gave it away.”

“What? Tessa, why?” Mariah was genuinely confused. Music was one of Tessa’s great loves. She knew her girlfriend had been punishing herself, but giving away something that had meant so much to her took Mariah by surprise.

“It’s just not there anymore,” she tried to explain. She knew Mariah wouldn’t understand, so she took a second to think about how best to respond. When she felt a soft hand on her cheek, bringing her back into the present, Tessa turned to kiss the palm before continuing.

“Music is something I feel in my soul. I always have. It was there for me when I was hiding from my father’s fists. It was there when I left home and had nothing and no one. It’s been there for me through everything, Mariah,” she fought back tears. Saying this out loud was harder than she thought it would be. But Mariah was still holding her hand, still touching her face, and that gave her the strength she needed. “When I look into my soul for it now, it’s not there. Music. I can’t feel it. It’s just this empty, hollow space. It’s gone and I couldn’t stand to look at that guitar anymore. It just reminded me of something else I’ve failed at.”

Mariah looked at her, worry written all over her face. She wasn’t so much worried about the guitar as she was about Tessa’s reasons for getting rid of it. She could always buy Tessa a new guitar, which she made a quick mental note to do once Tessa was ready. Leaning in, Mariah pressed a kiss to Tessa’s forehead, and then rested hers against it.

“We’re going to figure this out. You’re going to be okay. Do you trust me?” Mariah asked.

“With my life,” Tessa responded.

“Lean on me. Let me give you strength. You’re never going to be alone again. I’ve got you and we’ve got this.” Freely crying, Mariah brushed a kiss against Tessa’s lips before pulling the other woman closer and wrapping her arms around her. With her head against Mariah’s shoulder, Tessa breathed deep and closed her eyes.

There were no voices in her head right now. Mariah had chased them away. Her Mariah, the beautiful and loving woman whom she didn’t deserve, was still here fighting for her. Tessa knew her doubts all stemmed from how she felt about herself and weren’t in any way indicative of Mariah’s feelings toward her. The redhead had said so herself. Her amazing girlfriend, who was still here holding her, loved her more than anyone in her entire life ever has. This is real, Tessa thought. This is what she has to hold onto when the voices get too loud.

Breathing deeply again, Tessa sighed. Whatever happens next, she is loved.

 


End file.
